Duopolies. What art thou?

WARNING: opinions ahead. Do not take as the truth, just do as Bill Nye says: CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING.

We live in a day and age in which brand names are plastered all over our shirts and billboards and TV sets. Yessir, it’s a capitalist society alright, where consumers are led by their noses and companies execute hostile takeovers left and right (Google, eh?). In case you guys haven’t noticed, I’m not a huge fan of capitalism or its little cracks in the seams.

But I don’t want to talk about that right now. What I mean to talk about is the meaning of a duopoly. A duopoly is very similar to a monopoly, and yet completely different. A monopoly is the situation in which one business dominates an area of industry in which no other company is competing (or hopes to). Therefore, the company has no problem jacking up prices because the consumers have nowhere else to shop. An example of this – and its negative impact – is Rockefeller’s Standard Oil or Carnegie’s Steel or Vanderbilt’s Railways. It’s widely accepted that monopolies in America are bad, bad things. The government had to go in there and split them up (called a trust bust) and then institute Sherman’s Antitrust Act to prevent monopolies from ever ravaging people’s lives ever again. However, there is little about duopolies.

In theory, more companies present results in more competition. This supposedly also results in higher quality products, in order to beat out the other competitors and win over more customers. Naturally, without competition, there is no inclination to make quality products because consumers have no choice but to purchase from that one business. The key here is that businesses do NOT exist to please the customer, as they try to portray themselves; they do not care about you or how happy you are with their product or service. All they care about is that money in your pocket. Therefore, they are perfectly content with selling shitty products/services, so long as they turn a profit. Therefore, competition does NOT guarantee a happier customer. Generally speaking, in order to create a better product or make a service more efficient, time and/or money is to be invested. Obviously, the business would rather avoid this expense if they could. For the most part, this is usually the case. What it usually comes to is the business guy shrugs his shoulders and says, “If you don’t like what we make, go buy somewhere else.” You see, another way to make profit is to cut expenses, also known as overhead and disintermediation. There is a calculated net expense that goes into the production of one product – take, for instance, one pencil. In order to produce one pencil, raw materials and tools are required. Assuming these tools rarely break, I’d say a good amount of expense lies in the raw materials, the manpower, the maintenance, etc. This amount is then translated to the price of the good, but increased by some factor in order to turn a profit. There is a happy balance somewhere (not accounting for price ceilings and floors) where the consumer is welling to shell out a certain amount and the business is willing to accept that meager amount. When one starts to push the other for prices that are too far from this medium, the other says no. However, in our current society in the United States in which so many people reside, when and how does the consumer say no to prices that are too high? As I mentioned earlier, the business has no intention of improving its product to suffice for the rise in prices, nor does it want to disclose the corners it cut, legal or not. And here again we have the guy in the Armani suit with his hands in the air, telling us to take it or leave it. Unfortunately, the power of the consumer is diluted by sheer numbers; the business figures it can simply make money off of someone else.

A smart customer is one who understands the purpose and the means of the company, as well as a smidgen of the history of its products and their prices. The smart customer decides for oneself what portion of paycheck one is willing to pay for what. What else can I buy with the same amount of money? [<= opportunity cost] Now let’s be real for a second: how many of us actually do this? I’m not going to lie, I almost never engage in research of companies unless I know I will be buying from them on a regular basis, although I definitely use the second process a great deal (my friends know exactly what I am talking about). Again, reality: a customer’s amount of thinking going into a purchase is directly proportional to the cost of the item. To make matters worse, companies do all the thinking for us, giving all of our counter-arguments in their ad, and then refuting them as soon as they brought them up, leaving us with our mouths open but nothing to say. Of course, when they are asking all the questions, it leaves us consumers with empty heads anyway. Here’s some opinion: people hardly think at all, about anything. So what we have are a lot of not-so-smart customers who don’t ask questions, or when they do, the business has already thought out an explicit answer that reveals exactly some amount. In essence, consumers have turned into a herd of brainless steer that follow the crowd and don’t complain. The problem lies in that if just one becomes a straggler, they are herded back into the group, or simply left behind. In the very grand scheme of things, one lost customer (maybe a smart one, too) is nothing. As usual, the power of one is diluted by the many.

So you may be scratching your head and asking your computer screen, “What does any of this have to do with duopolies?” Don’t worry, I’m getting there. So I’ve gone over the power of businesses to make money and the weakness of consumers in retaining it. Clearly,  the business has an opening or two to exploit the consumer and get away with it without much ado on the customer’s mind. So, supposedly, if two companies compete, they will lower their prices/improve quality/cater to the customer, which is obviously good for the customer, right? Of course, businesses want to eliminate competition altogether if they could. It’s not quite as easy as simply assassinating the CEO of a competitor or sabotaging each other (because this, in essence, is an expense itself). What if the businesses were to work together? When two or more businesses decide to work together, this is known as a cartel. This involves artificially fixing prices, injecting speculation, and lobbyist armies on the same side. Obviously, it doesn’t just end there. So let’s just focus on the most raw idea: fixing prices. There are counter-measures to prevent this, but we’re just going to look at this as a general umbrella analogy. If there are only two suppliers (and let’s assume plenty of demand), if they both raise their prices the same proportion, they are not effectively competing against each other any more than before (again, provided demand is high enough to where they will still buy at the higher prices), but they are both making a better profit, with which they will happily agree with. Naturally, the consumers will grumble about having to shovel out the difference… or do they? When prices rise, do consumers know why or investigate? As I outlined earlier, smart customers are relatively outnumbered by the not-so-much (hypothetically). I’ll make an exception in which those who are so insanely rich that they don’t really notice price hikes or even care enough to be disgruntled shall be excluded. To make things worse, when consumers simply swipe an unchanging card rather than physical bills and coinage, with which they would notice the drastic change in which how much they are really paying, the price difference just goes over our heads. Even still, some may understand this ripoff and yet still pay because the effort to find an alternative is, supposedly, not worth the time. Whatever the reason may be, consumers lose this battle.

A duopoly may be slightly or drastically different, depending on the product/service, their history with one another, etc. Duopoly does not imply a cooperation, but this is still viable in the situation of a duopoly. The way I like to think of duopolies is the Aliens vs. Predators movie slogan: “Whoever wins… we lose.” Despite what may appear to be fierce competition between the two, consumers will continue to be left in the dark. Are business acquisitions announced to us when it happens? Does the Dreyer’s Ice Cream company (doesn’t independently exist anymore, btw) announce that it had recently been acquired on each tub of ice cream? “NEW Company! Same great taste! (Higher price!)” So when it all gets narrowed down to just two dominant companies like Coca Cola and Pepsi, we are forced to choose between one of the two, both of which have their own individual way of scamming us, so it turns into picking the lesser of two evils. For instance, the payment plans for both Verizon and AT&T warrant caution… at the moment I can’t quite remember why both suck. I remember hearing that Verizon customers enjoy a pretty good and agreeable price when calling, texting, whateverthefuck with others on Verizon, but you get SCREWED whenever doing whatever with those on anything else (say, AT&T?).

And let’s get this straight: there are a LOT of duopolies. It only takes a third party (btw, that’s where the phrase comes from) to break the tie and properly check and balance. I can think of a few off the top of my head:

  • nVidia vs. ATI graphics cards
  • Kraft vs. Nestlé foods
  • Google vs. Apple smart phones (and OS and so on…)
  • Activision vs. EA video game publishers
  • Marvel vs. DC American comic books
  • Kodak vs. Fujifilm video/motion picture film
  • Intel vs. AMD computer processors
  • Nikon vs. Canon digital cameras and assorted accessories
  • Pepsi vs. Coca Cola soft drinks
  • Teamspeak vs. Ventrilo VoIPs (okay, it’s a small one, but I often deal with this one)
  • Verizon vs. AT&T telephone service providers
  • UPS vs. FedEx parcel/mail service
  • Sirius vs. XM radio providers
  • Mastercard vs. Visa electronic payment

Now let’s not panic. There is still a plethora of products/services that are NOT duopolies or simply cannot be, the former being like Sony PS3 vs. Nintendo Wii vs. Microsoft Xbox, the latter being something like beer, with many competitors simply due to what is an instantaneously distinguishable “preference”. When providers provide nearly the same thing with long term or under-the-surface differences, this is where acquisitions are made and maintained without much ado, with consumers either sighing with grief or shrugging their shoulders. And not all duopolies are evil monsters.

This is the point I am trying to make. It is up to us to decide for ourselves whether or not a company is getting too big or to start buying elsewhere, before it’s too late. We must become smart customers make the best decisions with our money. We must decide for ourselves how much we are willing to pay for each and every product/service. We must understand what each business has to offer and the dangers of duopolies and cartels. Realistically, we cannot stop this from happening, but we can remove ourselves from the sea of victims.

Let me just REINFORCE that I speak for myself when I say these things, and I discussed these things conceptually more so than realistically. I do not want to offend people or give them the wrong ideas or start some goddamn revolution. I am not some all-knowing being, this is just what I perceive. Jesus, ever since the first fucking post…

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Are you a spoiled rich kid?

Take a quiz: are you spoiled rich kid?

1. Have you ever held your own job (one where your boss hands you your paycheck reluctantly)?

2. What kind of car do you drive?

  • BMW, Range Rover, Escalade, Audi A6
  • Scion, Prius/Civic, Focus, Suburban
  • Minivan, Pickup Truck, Honda Odyssey
  • No car

3. How much did it cost?

  • No idea, it just appeared in my garage. That, or my parents won’t tell me.
  • I have no idea, but I don’t care! As long as it was paid for!
  • >100k
  • 40-100k
  • 15-40k
  • 5-15k
  • I don’t have a car.

4. How was it paid for?

  • Pfft, what? How should I know?
  • My parents paid for all of it when I was 14.
  • My parents paid for all of it, but keep close tabs on where I go and what I do with it.
  • I split it with my parents.
  • I had to take out loans… and I’m still paying it off.
  • I paid for all of it.
  • I stole it.
  • I don’t have a car, alright? Leave me alone.

5. What kind of clothes do you wear?

  • Designer. Only. You’ve probably never even heard of it, peasant.
  • Classy stuff from Urban Outfitters/Forever 21. Abercrombie and Fitch, Gucci, Chanel, Armani, Guess.
  • Some brand name stuff sometimes. Pacsun, Zumiez, Vans, Aeropostale, Juicy Courture, etc.
  • Cheap stuff from outlets. Nordy’s Rack (low end, please), Plato’s Closet, Macy’s, Marshall’s, Ross, etc.
  • Hand-me-downs. I barely ever get my own clothing.
  • My parents buy all my clothes. Parachute pants, cargo pants, tennis shoes, souvenir shirts, no-brand hoodies.

6. What’s your room back at home like?

  • Big-ass TV, two or more game consoles, nice desktop, mirrors around the place, little dohickeys that donothing, at least one painting, two home phones, king size bed, 20′s, 50′s, or 100′s lying around – and the list goes on and on. But no books, maybe just for show.
  • Small TV, queen size bed, one home phone, bookshelves with leisure reading, decent desktop or lappy, maybe a 20 or a 10 lying on the desk, some unmatching bedsheets, a cramped closet, somewhat nice wallpaper/paint, kind of messy room, a little bit of jewelry, an alright view.
  • No TV, maybe a decent lappy. “Cozy” closet, half filled with clothes. Mug full of loose change, 1′s lying around, white wall paint with spackled holes, no home phone, a calendar full of things to do, a small mirror.
  • Anything less than what’s been described…

7. How do you react when someone (not your parents) tells you no?

  • Don’t get angry. Name prices until they say yes.
  • Get angry. Throw a tantrum until they say yes (or someone takes care of it) and then tell them your dad is a lawyer, and not the patenting kind.
  • Give them the sad puppy eyes. If you’re a girl, show some cleavage. Make some kind of work around… manipulate.
  • Nod your head understandingly. Try to talk it out, negotiate, compromise. If they won’t budge, take your business elsewhere.
  • Droop your head in sadness. I guess that’s the end of that, no helping it.

8. How often do you go shopping?

  • Every day! Shopaholic and proud of it, yeah!
  • Once a week, can’t be caught with yesterday’s shit.
  • Once or twice a month, can’t be caught wearing stuff that I’m sick of.
  • Once in a while, can’t be caught wearing anything with holes in ‘em.
  • Shopping? As in, spending money? I’ll add it to my bucket list.
  • My parents get my clothes, so I don’t really qualify.

9. How many pets do you have at the moment (at home)?

  • Like, twelve?
  • >5
  • 3-5
  • 1-2
  • 0

10. What kind of job do you want to have?

  • Ew, job? That’s for losers.
  • Modeling, acting, something fancy. Nothing with too much brain.
  • Lawyer, doctor, businessman, CEO. You know.
  • Meh, maybe a writer or artist. Something to get by… but a good paycheck would be nice.
  • Anything! Just give me a job, please!

11. What are your friends like?

  • They wear the same clothes as me, or they’re beautiful. Duh, otherwise I wouldn’t hang with them.
  • Fair-weather friends. Uh, I guess I’m the same as them.
  • I’m there for them, usually. As long as it doesn’t make me look bad or get me in trouble.
  • Any problems? I’ll cry along with you. Seriously. I love you guys.
  • N/A… ;.(

12. How do you deal with your problems as they arise?

  • Throw money at it. Or call my mom or dad. Let them take care of it.
  • Disparage whoever’s giving you trouble. Gossip the hell out of them, ruin them. Problem solved.
  • Talk it out/do what’s required of you.
  • Ignore it or run away from it. Deal with it later.
  • Beat the shit out of it. Call up your friends and fuck with it.
  • Deal with it… like everything else…

13. What’s in your pockets/purse (check all that apply)?

  • Wallet
  • Loose change
  • Receipts/stubs
  • Pocket watch
  • Android/iPhone
  • 1′s and 5′s
  • 10′s and 20′s
  • 50′s and 100′s
  • iPod (not the phone)
  • Cheap POS phone
  • Lipstick (>10 kinds)
  • Breath fresheners
  • Lucky charm
  • Second iPhone?!
  • Lint…
  • Pocket knife
  • Lighter
  • Cigs

14. What does your mom do (buy)?

  • Sephora, Rolex, random shit. Oh, and especially poker chips. She gambles more than a day trader.
  • She’s a housemom, but she buys a lot of shit for herself.
  • She’s meek and meager. Spoils herself now and then, and buys you stuff, yay.
  • Thrifty woman, perhaps also a job. Cuts out coupons regularly.
  • Strict. Almost never buys anything. Reasons: unknown.

If you picked the first option, you are rich as fuck. Your life was set as soon as you were born. You are often given anything you want using threats or offers, both involving someone else’s money. Your perception of life and reality is heavily skewed, and if your material possessions were taken away, you would wither and wail. Learn a lesson you shithead.

If you picked the second options, you are pretty spoiled. Your parents give you every opportunity they can, and you accept hastily, no questions asked. Your financial awareness is pretty iffy, and problems always seem to tip in your direction. Learn to do stuff on your own, it’s good for you. I know it’s hard… but just do it before you piss your diaper.

If you picked the middle ones, you live in a well-to-do family. You do a fair amount of work, and you get extra spending money on top of  what your parents hand out. You take advantage of what you’re given, but there aren’t too many moral infringements. Congrats, just don’t let it go to your head.

If you picked the second to last choices usually, you are not spoiled. You live a modest life of patience and work. You may be well-off, but you certainly don’t flaunt it nor do your parents. You will certainly build up your fortune little by little, and enjoy life with pleasure and satisfaction. Go you!

If you picked the very last choices, you are far from spoiled. You live in a world of “scraping by” or “not quite good enough”. Unfortunately, life’s more expensive things escape you, but that doesn’t stop you from working hard for it. In fact, it motivates you to provide a better life for your children. At the moment, your parents are either doing their best, or doing their worst. All I have to say is: good luck, you’ve most likely earned it ten times over. At least you have some really good real life skills that 90% of the population lacks.

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Dismal Dubstep

I’m so sick of hearing Cinema from Skrillex.

First off, I just want to say that there may or may not be “the good kind” of dubstep, and that the popular stuff is shit. This is purely my opinion based upon my likings in music and what I currently and used to listen to.

Here is the kind of music that I like listening to:

  • Post Rock: Obviously. I really love hearing the melodies and pitch changes that these bands try to orchestrate. Further, the fact that they often do not have any vocals keeps the structure very open and allows even more instrumentation, as though to “make up” for not having a singer, but I actually prefer it over vocals.
  • Jazz: Similar to above, except that the instrumental variance includes brass and a unique, complex drum beat (along with different tones like smooth or swing). Jazz is always good for me when I feel like being a refined gentleman (or driving at night).
  • Classical: The instrumental sections are further emphasized, which makes me that much more happy. I can feel the emotion or message being conveyed. I especially love flute, harp, and violin/viola.
  • Trance: The beats and “emotional” sections are intense and I really like some of the harmonies that the artists come up with. They also are really uplifting and energetic, and are obviously good for dancing.
  • House: The same as above, but they get a little bit too repetitive for my liking. Nonetheless, if I find another house song that I really love, I will say that I like house music.
  • Drums N’ Bass: I only have one song, but it’s really cool. It’s not huge on variation or being very interesting, so it’s a bit lower on my list. The beat is always really sick.
  • Daishi Dance: It’s not a genre, but this music is house music but with violins and instruments, WHICH I LOVE! Really happy and nice music.
  • Classic Rock, Alternative, Indie, Metal, Grunge, Prog: I really used to be into this stuff because the instrumental stuff was “on the edge” of being something amazing (post rock) so I always listened to it wishing for a little more. Nonetheless, I have some good memories with that stuff.

And here is the kind of music that I can’t stand:

  • Rap: I honestly don’t consider it music at all. To me, it’s just a kind of poetry (that is, rhyming) put to a loop or beat. There is no harmony, and it doesn’t even have singing. I don’t like vocals in general, and I love sections of instrumental. It’s only natural that I’d hate rap.
  • Hip-Hop: So now that there’s singing, it’s a little bit better. Nonetheless, there is little to no instrumental or harmony and I can’t stand most of the shit they sing about.
  • Pop Music: It centers around the singer, which results in little instrumentation. Plus, it’s really formulaic and repetitive.
  • Country: I HATE the drawls those singers make. The lyrics are also usually really stupid in my opinion, while almost all other music can go anywhere else.
  • Screamo/Emo: I don’t see how anyone can find that screaming shit musical at all, and the “intense” drum beats and guitar solos rarely actually sound good.
  • Punk: It’s always just blast beats and a really whiny voice shouting about the same shit. I do like Sum 41, though. They have some good riffs here and there that aren’t just chords all over the place.

And of course, I fucking hate dubstep. The beat is so weird and undanceable, not to mention offbeat and strange-sounding. Math rock does the same, but the guitar riff and the rest of the song makes up for the weird beat some of the time. For dubstep, it’s just frickin’ WUB WUB WUB BWABWABWAAAA. I find it annoying as shit and I don’t think its musical at all. I can’t believe what kind of garbage gets popular these days. I mean, at least Justin Bieber songs are singing and what not, but come on… dubstep just sounds like a mashup  of mixes with this really annoying distorted bass (WUB WUBBY WUB).

And it gets worse: the fucking fans jump all over you when you say it sounds like shit. They often take the whole passive-aggressive “that’s your opinion, keep it to yourself” or “stay on your side of the fence” bullshit. The whole fucking point of an opinion is to let it be known, you stupid little cunt. Their lamest excuse is “it only sounds good on a high quality sound system”. Look at it this way: you can’t dance to it, it’s louder than an elephant farting, and it’s not musical at all when it just goes wubwubwub. And it’s fine if you like it because it rattles your bones or whatever the fuck. I’m just saying I don’t find any redeeming musical qualities at all, so I don’t consider it music.

The worst part is that they HAVE to blast it loud as eff wherever they are because, supposedly, that’s how it’s meant to be listened to. If someone blasts trance or house, I can understand that because dance music needs to be surrounding. But dubstep is not dance music. I can imagine all the people on the dance floor stopping and looking around thinking, “What the fuck is that noise?”

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Osama Bin Laden.

PHEW it has been a while hasn’t it. What with senior-ness and college stuff and enjoying myself and my job. Yeah. I need a break once in a while.

Anyways. This post is about the guy stated above.

First off, I just want to say that my fullest sympathy goes out to those affected by Osama Bin Laden and the conflict in Afghanistan. I cannot understand your pain, but I can understand your reaction.

For the rest of them, no sympathy.

Don’t you find it strange that people are crying tears of happiness at the death of an individual? They are as happy as if they just had a baby. Doesn’t that feel even the slightest bit disconcerting. Well, I speak for myself when I say my reaction to his death was void. Nada. Zilch. DGAF. I was not affected, I don’t give a flying or walking shit about Osama Bin Laden, dead or alive. I am no patriot, I really don’t like America (hurr so why don’t you go to Canada; I plan to actually).

Think about it. Did Osama Bin Laden fly those airplanes? What did he do really? If we look at his history, he was supplied weapons by AMERICA HELLO to fight against Bolshevik influence in the Middle East. He is basically a Che Guevarra, a political warrior who tried to strike a blow into the United States. Hey, how did the Islamic ultrnationalist get into power again? Oh yeah, WE PUT HIM THERE AND GAVE HIM THE WEAPONS. That aside, he’s just some guy who was waging war against USA. That’s it.

As for the people who WEREN’T affected, why are they celebrating so much? I believe it is due to the bandwagon effect: people are acting the way they are expected to or believe they ought to. I speak for myself when I say this: when he was announced dead, I completely dgaf’d and looked around for something else. I wasn’t affected, why should I give a shit? So another asshole in the world is gone. I’ll be a lot happier when Gabe Newell or Robert Kotick get struck by lightning (but that’s another story). In that sense, people subconsciously feel as though they should feel sadness or happiness or whatever with his death. I find it to be quite insulting to the people who actually were affected, as though mocking their true emotion with their strategic pretense.

No doubt, I will (…I did) hear some people with pained expressions saying a bunch of but’s and calling me cold and heartless and blah blah blah. Look, if my brother got in a car crash, I’d be devastated. If some random guy blew up some random building very far away and took some random people along with him, no tears shed.

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What is a good friend?

Lately, I’ve been conducting experimentation and thinking sessions regarding what a good friend is to me. This was brought upon noticing certain things.

Why do friends feel the need to make fun of each other? Why is it okay to make pointed insults at each other the closer one is?

With people I know, I have seen some of the utmost proper behavior and well-mannered actions among strangers, but when surrounded by “friends”, they really let loose the insults and poking fun. For example, holding the door open, saying please and thank you, saying sorry when bumped into, helping somebody pick something up, etc. As for the rude behavior, you all know what I speak of: swearing at each other, pointing out someone’s weakness, laughing at their misfortune. Why is this so? Completely counter-intuitive, you’d think it’d be the other way around, right?

So I thought about it, and I determined that it has to do with boundaries. If someone were to come up to you and insult you (even if it is true), you’d probably think, “Who are you to say all that? You don’t even know me.” They don’t know the boundaries, is the thing. A friend knows you and knows what you are sensitive to (or rather, not sensitive to) and thus knows the boundaries. Needless to say, many a friend or two steps over that line once too often, or the miscalculated where the boundary lies.

Everyone has experienced a friend that they are annoyed with every once in a while: Please stop talking. Do you have to do that? It’s really annoying, but I don’t want to seem like a bad friend or a bad person, so I’m not going to say it. I also don’t want to start a fight with one of my friends. <- This is the kind of thinking that causes us to get stuck in a gridlock of bad friends. Now clearly, there are worse friends than others that are blatantly obvious. However, it’s the mediocre friends that sneak up on you and bring you annoyance and frustration piece by piece, who make you dread seeing them and saying hi to them, regret being in the same group with them. It is your job to cut them off.

I have done so, and I must say, it feels GREAT. I have friends of which I never feel discontented with and I truly enjoy every moment I spend with them. It’s a great feeling knowing that we get along so well and that we are good people (that is, of good character). You: Good for you. What about me, fucka?

Now how does one go about cutting off friends? It’s hard to get into the mentality, so here’s some perspective for you. If your friend is annoying you, you need to tell them such that they will stop or change. If they get offended, they are being insecure or immature, thus they really aren’t worth being friends with anyways so losing them as a friend is even better than we thought. If they don’t take it seriously, and you have done all you can to make it clear that you are serious, they are too immature to handle you and they never should have been associated with you to begin with. At this point, you need to make it clear from now on that you aren’t going to talk to them, maybe even create an enemy. Best case scenario in all of this: they listen to you and stop doing what they were doing to annoy you, and everyone wins. The key is to voice it; otherwise, you will have no progress and you will feel pretty helpless.

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Humor Hierarchy

As I’ve seen it, there are different forms of humor. These also can be interpreted as personality types, so I will do as such. There are so many forms, but I’m gonna boil it down as best I can. Now, starting from the lowest form, and moving up:

  1. Spontaneous/random humor: people who think doing something out of the blue or saying “taco sauce” out of zero context is the most hilarious thing ever. Excuse me. You, sir or madam, are an idiot.
  2. Schadenfreude: laughter at others’ pain. A low lifeform already is the one who takes joy in others’ pain, you fucker. Just shows how insecure someone is or what a vindictive piece of shit they can be.
  3. Perverted humor: that’s what she said jokes or just stupid pervertedness shit. For the most part, it’s not freaking funny, you just look like a sleaze or a whore.
  4. Insulting: putting someone or something down. Not quite the same as schadenfreude. This kind of insulting has no cleverness or thought in it, by the way. It’s like if someone asked me where the bathroom was, and I just screamed at him, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Okay, so maybe situationally that sounds funny, but the actual insulting was barely funny at all.
  5. Sarcasm: pointing out something obvious by speaking in the opposite direction. For example, if I were to ask if we have any homework while the whiteboard says we do, and the person next to me said, “Nooo, that’s just extra credit.” Not funny, very rude. And most kids 12-16 think it’s the most genius installment of humor ever. Kids these days…
  6. Caricature: exaggeration of features in such a way to inspire humor. The drawings are funny, but this can easily be incorporated into one’s speech as well. Taken literally, emphasize certain points or features in such a way that is amusing or humorous. This takes some good thought put into, and often comes out with something quite good, quite good, despite being somewhat crude.
  7. Irony: something happens that we’d not truly expect, or opposite of it. For instance, a fish catching a bear in the stream… an arrow shooting a bow… the list goes on and on. This humor can range from mild to hilarious, because sometimes nature just throws us a freebie now and then of something totally hilarious, but Mother Nature shrugs and says she doesn’t get it.
  8. Satire: making humor out of a dark or serious subject. Some of the best humor because everyone can relate to it. William Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Michael Moore, The Onion… etc. Whether it be society, standards, ideas, people, politics, emotions, it has probably been satirized in some way that is most hysterical only to those familiar with the subject, despite its serious nature. But that only makes it more amusing!
  9. Wit: perhaps the greatest from of humor ever conceived. In the form of responses or just observations. An intelligent observation or play of words (or combination of both) that, under these circumstances, fits very well and is also hilarious. On top of that, because it takes intelligence, it tends to be completely original, as the common man who lacks common sense would never have though of it. Perfect example:

A-punk:

If you rear a bear from birth you can walk through dark alleys without fear in 4-5 years.

hxcloud99:

Then you die from high-fives and hugs.

doogles:

Better than .45s and thugs

ddrt:

This is already sounding like the best rap song I’ve heard.

 

IS THAT NOT FREAKING HILARIOUS!? Of course, this isn’t the absolute best use of wit ever recorded, but it was noteworthy in my book… I still chuckle at it.

And so concludes my list… BUT! It must be noted that despite most of these rankings, depending on how they are used, any of these types of humor can be successful! All it takes is good thought put into each and every one of them, or permutations of select types, or just great timing on the part of the jest. The way one executes any of these forms of humor is almost as important as which one to employ. Therefore, wit executed most professionally is the GREATEST FORM OF HUMOR!

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    Arguing: Etiquette

    Context. I was in AP Gov’t today and somehow I happened to mention how I don’t like “treehuggers”. The girl sitting next to me, whom I have rarely spoken with with the exception of asking to have a piece of paper now and then (to which she complied politely and my opinion of her increased), began to argue for the green cause, which I was interested to listen to in spite of what I said. As I had predicted of most green supporters, she acted very morally superior and incredulous that I didn’t give as much of a shit about the environment as she did, which I found more than amusing. She brought up some good points now and then, but so did I, and she disregarded them with the swoop of a hand gesture that I saw numerous times, and a face of disbelief. She made maybe one concession to one of my suppositions, and used at least half the list provided below. I did not appreciate her accusatory tone and conjectures that I attempted to disillusion her of. That is, not to say that she was in any respect wrong. In the end, she merely laughed off every argument I had to offer and turned away. There wasn’t an argument to begin with; it was merely a trial to see if I was with her, against her, or malleable. She had already decided in her mind that I was wrong.

    The point of this post is self-reflective. When you argue with someone, sometimes it’s not what you say but how you say it. Here are some things that you ought to avoid doing at all costs.

    • Laughing. Assuming it’s a serious matter, laughing at someone’s argument is extremely disrespectful and only makes you look like an idiot.
    • Interrupting. Shows that you aren’t willing to listen, only willing to speak over someone else and impose your ideas. Very annoying.
    • Putting words in someone’s mouth. This includes saying, “So you think that…?” or “You’re saying that…?” Don’t do this unless you are pretty damn sure you know what they are saying.
    • Adding emotion doesn’t make your argument any more convincing, it only makes you look very close-minded or irrational. Examples are incredulous, oppressive, melodramatic, frustrated, etc.
    • Saying “You don’t get it, you don’t understand, you’re not looking at the big picture…” Anything along those lines. Completely condescending and very disrespectful. And I know too many people who do that.
    • Trying to summarize someone’s arguments for them, eg. “So this is what you’re saying: …” Similar to putting words in someone’s mouth, and if you were wrong, then it indicates you really weren’t listening.
    • Telling someone to go read something. Why don’t you just say it yourself?

    All in all, this girl confirmed my dislike of environment supporters: annoyingly overpassionate to the point where they will go out of their way to preach. And because nobody is for destroying the planet, they go and get swelled heads thinking they’re utterly right in everything they say. Makes me angry and makes me amused at the same time.

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